Earning my front row tickets to see God in concert

The only reason I come to work is that surely all this time spent in Hell on Earth will guarantee me a place in heaven.

I cannot understand people who wonder how they would spend the day if they didn't work. I'd find tons of things to do. I would visit museums, have coffee at some piazza, improve my photography, read a good book by the sea, explore the maltese countryside...

I'd definitely not bore myself. Actually, as the intelligent reader might have "guessed" by now, it is here, in this mundane place of photocopier sounds and pixel sights, that I get bored... to death... and beyond.

And nothing can change that - not even the "utopian" vision of "interesting work" - were I to take on an assignment of epic proportions, I still wouldn't rejoice, for this is not LIFE! This remains, whatever the magnitude of its importance, office work.

And an office comes nowhere near man's natural habitat.

Orangutan Love

While busy pissing people off during work hours, I was thrown the following insult:

"everyone knows you are a virgin, except the oragutan you tried to rape when you were 13."

Now I'm no Leibniz, but I instantly thought there was something funny with the logic of that statement. So let's waste some more of my precious work time to analyze it.

Apparently, when I was 13, I tried to rape an orangutan ('tis strange how of such love I have no recollection).

Now I either succeeded in raping it, or not.

If I did not succeed:

a) Everyone knows I am a virgin, except the orangutan I tried to rape when I was 13;
b) When I was 13 I tried but failed to rape an orangutan;

Therefore:

c) The orangutan knows that I am a virgin.

So a is false.

If I succeeded:

a) Everyone knows I am a virgin, except the orangutan I tried to rape when I was 13;
b) When I was 13 I raped an orangutan;

Therefore:

c) The orangutan knows that I am not a virgin, but so does the person insulting me.

So again, a is false.

Unless... wait a second... oh my god!... unless the "person" who insulted me and the orangutan are one and the same! OMG!

Ok back to work now...


I wonder, were you the lucky
orangutan?

Bitter sweet morning

This morning I came to work with a red t-shirt and a big smile on my face. Forget the weather, I'm lucky if I get to see the sun once a week here. I threw myself at my desk sipping my coffee and reading about how Man United went to the Olimpico and made a mockery out of the Romans' claims of revenge last night. That even made me forget that my laptop's hard disk died after merely two busy years, ten minutes before the match.

The boss, a PhD working in these incendiary cells of laborious torture, quickly came over to spoil the fun with enough forced labour to make China jealous.

Heavenly Piss

I have wet myself.

God has peed on me again. And I had nothing to protect me, so whereas the rest of the folks walked about at leisure in his benevolent piss, I was drowned in divine urine. Perhaps it's his way of punishing me for not believing in him.

The irony is that I have carried an umbrella with me all through this winter. I have barely had the chance to use it however, as it has rained as commonly as England win the world cup. So I decided to use it for other purposes. On sunny days, for instance, it has served me as a parasol.

Actually here's a small list of some of the functions my umbrella served during this winter:

a parasol;

a soup bowl;

a sword for when i imagine myself zorro;

a rifle for when i re enact the 7th June killings;

a toilet.

And today, the only time when it could have served its proper function, I have forgotten it. Left behind in a dry place, stored somewhere in the coziness of home, while I get f****** soaking wet as I hike my daily 15 minute walk to get to work (aka Paradise of the Damned).

Tomorrow I'll be carrying my umbrella with me, that's for sure. And I don't care whether it rains or not - I'm using it.


(btw, here's an interesting link on how umbrellas can help bring people together: http://www.underanumbrella.com/)

Cell B-181

Ahh another beautiful sunny day, glued to my computer.

What a nice day indeed! The sun is shining outside (I can only extrapolate this from my last observation of the outside world, about an eternity ago, more or less).

Today they have cleaned my cage. They have kindly provided me with a new leash as well - the other was getting quite old now and was the cause of an annoying itch. (The powers that be, in their infinite and glorious wisdom, reasoned that it distracted me from my work.) Someone has also taken the liberty of leaving a small banquet of crumbs on my desk [aka Plains of Infernal Doom]. Hopefully it will rain in the afternoon, and perhaps I might be able to stick my tongue out of the bars and, with tongue protruding, quench my thirst with a couple of raindrops.

Oh I ask too much! Why, oh why, am I such a spoilt child?

Workers of the world... relax!

Ahhh that coffee still lingers in my memories of things which never happened.

Wanting to rise against the inhuman act of working (in the laziest way possible) my frustrated friend and I decided to share our anguish with the rest of the world online.

It was either that or actually doing some work - I quickly decided on the former.

The Revolution Begins

Saying that my fourth IT-related job and my first one abroad is also my worst working experience ever should suffice to explain how this blog came about.

While wasting time discussing with my mate back in Malta how sad life at work is, and dreaming about having a coffee in Paris, a red bottle of wine in Naples, or a beer in Marsaxlokk, we decided to share our frustrations with the rest of you.